Faulty communication between the sexes is largely due to mistaken assumptions. One of the most common of those assumptions manifests itself as what we can call "mind reading." Because men and women do not realize how different they are, they assume that they know what the other is thinking or feeling before it has been clearly stated.

True, women are quite accurate when mind reading other women, because they are already so similar. Likewise, men can accurately read the minds of other men. But when men and women start mind reading each other, trouble is inevitable.

A man prematurely decides that he knows what a woman is saying. His error lies in assuming that she started out making the point she wanted to make, as a man would. He may be listening and then, before the speaker is finished, says, "I got it, I got it." This works fine with another man, but to a woman, his statement is preposterous. She knows that he can't know what she intends to say, because many times she doesn't even know. While sharing, she is in the process of finding out what she feels, thinks, or wants.

Men need to understand that if a woman needs to talk, and if his desire is to support her, then his purpose in listening is not just to get the gist of what she is saying, but to help her get it out. As she gets it out, without being interrupted, her view might change mid-stream or she might completely change the subject. She may ask questions and then start answering them.

By expecting this to happen, he can avoid feeling frustrated. He needs to remember that just as he has to mull over his problems before talking about them, a woman needs to talk about her problems before she will have a definite opinion. If she feels overwhelmed by difficulties, just by talking about them she may feel better.

Sometimes she will even find out that there is no problem. But the last thing she needs when she is upset is for a man to tell her that there is no problem. The next-to-last thing she needs is for him to offer a string of solutions to whatever she is saying. Finally, the next-to-the-next-to-the-last thing she needs from him is "OK, I got it!" To be interrupted by "I got it" sounds like "OK, OK, will you shut up, I don't want to hear it any more."

Women also mind read, but in a different way. They tend attribute negative interpretations to a man's behavior patterns. When he is quite, she assumes he doesn't care. When he is distracted she assumes he doesn't love her. When he is late, she assumes that she is no longer important to him. When he forgets to do things, she assumes he is getting even. When he shuts down, she assumes he is leaving her.

Because she is not a man she has no reference point to help her understand why he does what he does. It is hard for to trust his love. But she could look for the real and positive reasons for his behavior. She could share her fears in a way that avoids blame but asks for reassurance.
It is important to work at new ways to communicate that take into account these differences. Just as women are especially vulnerable to being interrupted, men are particularly sensitive to being doubted or mistrusted. When a woman is interrupted again and again, or subjected to an impatient listener, she will close down and become unwilling to share her feelings. Her love is replaced with doubt and mistrust.
When a man is mistrusted by his female mate, he tends to react in a most confusing way. If he is being blamed and punished for a crime he didn't do, his reaction is to commit the crime to get back at the punisher. If she assumes that he is uncaring when he is trying to be caring, at least in his male way, then eventually he becomes cold, impatient, and uncaring.

As you can see, this negative pattern fuels itself. The more uncaring he becomes, the more untrusting she becomes. The more untrusting she becomes the more uncaring he becomes. This is a major communication trap, but we can end the cycle by increasing our understanding of each other with respect, trust and compassion.

Another female form of mind reading is the expectation that others already know and anticipates their needs. It is very unrealistic to expect a man to anticipate a woman's needs. With this expectation she will surely end up disappointed. On the other hand, men expect women to know their loving feelings by looking at what they do. Women need to be reassured again and again that they are loved and special. In a similar way, men need to be reminded again and again of the women's needs, wishes, and wants.

Further more, a man's focused awareness can make him incredibly determined and efficient, but it can also make them oblivious to other's needs and priorities not directly relatively to their primary goals. Consequently, when a man is focused on a particular task or problem, he may not notice the signs of growing distress in the environment, family, relationship, or even within his body. He does not feel pain or hurt, nor does he acknowledge this in other's. He unconsciously negates the importance of needs that are not directly related to his focus. If his wife and children are hurting and upset, his reaction is that they shouldn't hurt and they shouldn't be upset. This kind of invalidation and denial is very hurtful to others and destructive to relationships.

Thus, it is quite common for a man to get sick on the first day of vacation, or when a major project is completed. He may have ignored his body's needs until the job was done, and now the body cries for help through falling ill. Or he may become emotionally depressed because he has not been creating the emotional support he needs.

A man can also begin to feel his inner emotional poverty if he fails at his task, or if he retires from it. Statistically, most men die three years after they retire. They have been running on empty without knowing it. When the job is complete, their debt to their bodies and other's must be paid.
The solution is not finding another job in which to bury oneself, nor masking the problem through drinking or drugs. The cure for this man's physical or emotional pain is to create the emotional support he needs and to reassess his priorities and values. He needs something to work for, a new goal and a purpose, to live. He needs to balance his work needs with his emotional and health needs.

Another consequence of a man's focused tunnel vision is that men tend to neglect the need of other's--not because they don't care, but because they are unconscious of the part of them that does care. He, his wife, and their children all suffer from his neglect. Many a man, after his kids have grown up, says, "I didn't realize how quickly time passes. I feel like I missed out on something very precious." Guilt, regret, sorrow, and shame often accompany this realization.